|
This is a story about me being the perfect girl that never did wrong and nothing ever happened in my life that was terrible. Until I turned 12 then my world turned upside down. This is a story about my journey through an eating disorder, and cutting.
This is how it all began
.
It started when I was 12. my best friend of 12 years moved away 2 weeks before my bday. In a years time 3 people died One the week after my birthday, another 3 months later, and another 6 months, my nephew that I basically raised moved away,nand my dad got sick and I was scared to death that he was going to die too. Then my bf at the time and his friends started being asses to me and saying stuff.
Over that years time I was really depressed and would cry myself to sleep every night. And no one knew. I could be sitting in the backseat and see something that reminded me of one of the people I lost and I would be crying and my parents would ask me a question I would answer in a normal voice and they never had an idea that I was so upset.
So at age 13 I got into an eating disorder. I saw a movie on lifetime about Pro ana websites and decided to check them out. And was hooked from then on. When I was turning 14 I was going to highschool and got a comment about my weight which set me over the edge. So I quit eating all together and was working out 2-3 hours a day. I was playing vball and tenniss and would go home and workout too.
I went back to homeschooling that same year and I had mentioned some stuff to Suzette Manors and she called my mom. My mom freaked out and put me into counseling. So I lied my way through 5 months of counseling and got out of it. PLus the counselor was horrible so it didn't take much convincing. But at home I was watched like a hawk so I took diet pills, laxatives, and purged some. To be able to control my weight with everything I was having to eat.
Then from there on it was off and on. Id go to a camp and be doing good then something would happen and I would turn to what was comfortable and what I had some control over. "An eating disorder."
Then when I was 17 I was sitting in the car with my friend and I said I like what I am doing and the mindset I have and I don't want to change. I like hating myself and I don't know anything different so I don't want to fix it now. I told her I had to get going and she asked if she could pray for me. I was like fine w/e and she did and I just broke down and thats what the post below is .
THIS WAS WRITTEN LAST YEAR (06)IN OCT
this is hard to write. But I am trusting in God that he is going to use it for the good.
freedom
Ok so this scares me so much. I am nervous that yet once again this change will only be temporary. But I am believing this time is different.
What am I talking about? I am talking about not letting this eating and mind thought control me.
For 5 years now I have been so called anorexic or had anorexic tendencies. It all started when I lost a lot of people in my life. and people started telling me i was fat. and i started to believe it and replay it in my mind. until it became the tape recorder it is now. But tonight I am saying that tape recorder is stopped. It doesn't play in my mind any more. I wont allow it, it has no control over me. The mirror has no control over me either. I am free from the chains that bind me. I have been set free.
I know this is going to be hard. I know the devil is going to come at me in every direction. I know the lies are going to continue to be there. But i know I can fight them. Will it be easy? Heck no it's going to be one of the toughest things I do. But I am determined. Does this mean I am going to let my weight get out of control? NO I will eat healthy and work out healthily. I wont over work out and I wont starve myself. I wont cut because it doesn't control me. The scale doesn't control me nor does the numbers on it. I am sure there will be days I will want to turn back and come back and get support, I am sure there will be times I will want to cut and be so tempted, I am sure there will be times I pass by a mirror and say look how fat you are but I will back the lies up with truth that I am flawless in Jesuses image.
I know a lot of you think I am insane and giveing up and I am doomed to be fat. I know a lot of you don't know Jesus and the eating disorder is all you have to get your worth and image from. But I want to tell you there is more to life then diet pills and how many calories are in that piece of food or what number poppes up on the scale. and there is a God who thinks your absolutely gorgeous. I know it's hard to imagine but it's true.
so I wont be back on here ever. I will never create another xanga account. this is my last update. and i am praying for you girls.
katelynn
So this was written on my personal xanga that supported anorexic people. I can honesty say in a years time I have not been back to any Pro sites/ my xanga website. I have not been tempted to even look at them.
Like I also said there would probably be times I would be tempted to call myself names. There have been times I have called myself names but by the grace of God I was able to automatically notice that was a lie and say no Katelynn you are not ugly you are beautiful.
during that time I also cut. Not many people know about this and even people real close to me don't know. But I feel as if I need to share with people that God can heal your pain and take it from you. You don't have to cut yourself to feel physical pain to help get rid of the emotional.
If you knew me withen the last 6 years and had no clue this was going on. Just think about your friends and people that you are close to that could be suffering through the same things.
Possibly you are going through all of this and no one knows. You probably feel all alone, maybe shame, or guilt. And possibly a 1,000 diff emotions.
You can talk to me and I will tell you more of the story. I will pray with you. I will give you names of people who can help.
I can just tell you that when I was in that place people knowing was the last thing I wanted. But that was the one thing I needed. And thank God for the people he put in my life and for the people he took out of it. Because if he hadn't taken and put those people in my life I would probably be really deep into depression and who knows what else.
Psalms 139
Song of Solomon 4:7 Are great bible verses that tell of your worth and beauty. Check them out.
Thank God for friends like Alyssa who never quit believing in me and encouraging me.
And for people like Suzette and Aaron manors for doing what was right and informing my parents.
 |
Your Stories 
