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There is always hope and love |
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Choosing a catagory was hard because I am dealing almost all of them. I decuded in suicide and depression because in the end everything that I am dealing with sprouted from the depression that came with the self-hate. This is my story and I hope that it can hope to even one person.
I love you.
tessXoXo
I'm sitting here trying to figure out where to being. This isn't the first time I have written out my story. But, it is the first time writing it with the realization that there is hope. It is painful to go back. But, I know it needs to be done.
Everything started about a year ago. It started with self-hate for how fat I was. Back then I was over 300 pounds. I could keep myself from eating for weeks. That then changed to bulima. I could make myself throw up to ten or more times in a day.
Then came the first night I cut. It was nothing deep. More of a lot of scratches. But, it was the start. I would do once every couple or few weeks. It slowly became more and more often. Each time the cuts got deeper and deeper. It became such a part of my life that I began keeping blades under my keyboard.
Then came the day I tried to comitt suicide. I overdosed on a combination of drugs that I found around my house. I don't remeber the three days that followed. They were spent tied down to a hospital bed, in and out of conciousness. Mostly out. I always say that three days that I cannot remember will haunt me for the rest of my life.
After that came the hate notes. The cutting became daily. Many days it happened more then once. I always had blades on me. I would spend my mornings before school and my lunch hours sitting at the park near the school cutting. There were times where I would ask to go to the bathroom during class, so I could do it then as well. The couts became deep enough that now I am left with scares on my wrist that you can feel, not just discolorations.
I would sit in the back or class and write hate notes to myself. Pages and upon pages filled with dark skratch letters. Saying things like "fuck up" "worthless" and many others. My aittude became the worse it had even been. Continuously sent down to the office and I didn't care. This was coming from the spot of being an average B+/A- student. My marks dropped signifigantly. I was failing most of my course and the couple I was passing was just barely. It got to the point I was on the verge of getting kicked out.I ended up just doing what they told me to do. Just so I could graduate and get out of there once and for all.
I still cut outside of school. Still threw up. Nothing had changed. Just I no longer did it at school. Which meant I did it worse outside of school to "make up for it".
The came the night an ex co-worker had given me this website www.twloha.com. I checked it out. It was for the group called To Write Love On Her Arms. It touched me because the girl in the story that begun this movment was like me in so many ways. That was the first time I ever realized that I was not alone in this. I was not the only one who has felt like this. Has done these things. It was the first time I had even a glint of hope.
It meant so much to me. That on the night I wanted to organize a benefit concert to shut the preps at my school up I chose them. The decision to do that concert was the exact moment my life began to change. Though, I didn't know it then.
So began the process. I made a Myspace profile in hopes of looking more professional and serious to bands. Then just using my personal one. I spent hours looking for bands in my area who would be interest. Who knew that asking one man to play would lead, through him, me meeting my closest friend.
One day I logged on to once again begin work on the show. I see that there is a message from a band called Later That Same Day. More specifcally from a man named Dan. The messaged talked about how he had seen shirts around Toronto but never really knew what the name meant or the story behind it. That if there was anything that this band could do by promoting or playing any shows they would be there.
I had decided at the start to use my story to reach out to others. As To Write Love On Her Arms. I told him just a small bit. Basically that I was bulimic, I cut, I had tried suicde. The second message I had ever gotten from him had his contact info. Including his phone number. That was the start of a friendship that has given me strength to try and over come.
We would spend the days chatting through Myspace. Me stressing over the show and the million and one things that went with it. Him helping me to keep what little sanity I had.
We had only once very briefly talked about religion. Him just really asking if I belived in God. At that time I was atheist. I thought that all men were created equal. So, the thought of one being supirior didn't fly with me.
After that I tried to pray. Tell ing God that I had to have proff before I would belive that he was there. Then one night I cannot explain why I felt this need to get down on my knees and pray. I did and I broke down. Telling Him everything. Right after I messaged Dan and told him what had happened. He wrote back saying he was exspecting this message. That he had asked the people at his church to pray for me. That I could take that step and find Jesus waiting for me.
In the end he did play the show. Not with that band. A side project he was working on. That was the night I first tried to give up my blades. I gave them to him. Telling that it wasn't much. but, I had not idea what else to do. After he took them from my hand I broke down. He took me in his arms and just let me cry. More so he prayed with me. We sat there holding hands. He prayed that I could find strength within Him to over come all that I was going through. I prayed that I would never loose Dan. That for the rest of my life I would have him with me. That even at three in the morning I could call him and he would be there. I havn't lost him yet.
The Thursday after the show was another huge night. For the first time I wore white. White represents purity. I wore white it as I burned every single self-hate note and suicide plan that I ever wrote to myself. It was on that night I realized that I was pure. That in His eyes I am beautiful. After I called Dan and once again I broke down. Me apologzing like crazy because I knew there was no one to understand the few words that Ou could get out. He didn't care. He just wanted me to tll him what I feeling. Once again we prayed.
I went five weeks without touching a blade. Then one night I had one of my anxiety attacks and could not over come it. I began once again. I told Dan in fear that he would hate me, stop talking to me. I felt like I had failed him. What he said to me hurt more then him being mad at me. He told me it broke his heart to hear I had begun again. But, he was not mad. He was sad that I did this to myself. I never wanted to hurt him.
A couple weeks later we had our first fight. It was over my stupidity. The entire time I sat there cutting the crap out of my arms. I was pissed at the world and felt like giving up. Accusing him that he would walk away like everyone else in my life had. He was pissed that I though he would do something like that and that I was cutting. Then next day I got a message from him saying that he would not continue this fight with me. It was stupid and dangerous. That there was no need for me to be sending him the hurtful messages that I had been. He told me to remove him from my Myspace if I did not want his friendship. That I needed to stop being scared and let God. That I had a lot to learn about love. Even then he told me that as soon as I was ready to stop being scared to come back to him. That he would be waiting there for me. That took me back. After all that I had said to him. After all that I put him through he still loved me.
Right then and there I fell to my knees and I prayed to God out loud. Asking Him to help me. To forgive me. That I needed His strength and love. That I needed Dan. I spent ten minutes on my knees. Once I was done, still sobbing and shaking. I messaged Dan back apolgizing annd telling him that I was ready. Like he had promised, he was there waiting for me.
After that fight I once again tried to give up my blades. I got to the five week mark again.
Last night marks my third atempt to give up my blades. I hope and pray that this time will be the last. If it isn't I will keep trying. I know that I can over come this. No matter how dark it is there is always hope. If I forget that or I get lost in the dark Dan is there to guide me back to the path. This is only the beging of a life long journey. It will be hard. There will be tears. But, there will be light, and most of all hope and love. There is always hope and love.
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