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Overview of how we can not only survive abuse, depression and helplessness but find joy and coping skills while reaching out to others.
I was not aware of what the true definition of love was. For me love was allowing anyone to do anything anytime they pleased in order to avoid rejection and physical and emotional pain.From a very early age anxiety and fear were constant companions to me. As a result of physical, emotional and sexual abuse I did not know of any healthy coping skills or avenues of support available to me and so desperately adopted my own arsenal of "outs" to numb or distract me from the overwhelming feelings of fear, worthlessness and loneliness. As a young child I trembled and cried at the drop of a hat but always in a way so as not to irritate the adults in my life. I stopped eating around the age of 3 or 4 years, and sleeping became very difficult due to extreme fear of the isolation and darkness I felt. Something about the silence and darkness of night always accentuated the utter helplessness and vulnerability I lived with. I was an exceptionally well behaved child and could easily turn myself into whatever I felt would somehow make me more lovable to others. I began to physically injure myself before grade 5 by dropping heavy objects on my legs and hitting myself feeling that if I could only break my legs I would desrve to be cared for and my pain would be visible. At about the same age, I became sexually active with young men and adults who took advantage of my helplessness. I also developed the ability to "disassociate" or remove myself mentally from particularly abusive sexual acts. I was well trained by grade 6 that fighting and begging for mercy were potentially dangerous and was so confused that anyone who even tried to take advantage of me was successful and I had been raped on numerous occasions.I discovered pot and alcohol at 13 and was very sensitive to both which only added to my vulnerability when under their influence. I could no longer concentrate in school and skipped many classes to sit in a cubicle for hours in the washroom until I could get a school bus home.I was very intelligent but could not finish high school with my peers because my anxiety was so overwhelming that I could not complete my work.I heard voices in the night talking about my uselessness and was confirmed of my worthlessness during the day by those I most wanted protection and love from. When I got to age 19 I became pregnant by a man whom I loved but was abusive and manipulative. I went on to marry him and had a second son. My children were my entire life. I now know God blessed me with them as a protection as well as my greatest joy in life for without them I would have taken my own life many times. Never would I abandon my children. My marriage ended within 2 years as my husband joined a cult and his anger and control became life threatening. With the help of a neighbor who recognized the signs of my abusive marriage, a transition house for battered women, and a lawyer who's heart broke for our plight,I was able to end that relationship only to endure years of stalking, breakins and threats. I continued to abuse alcohol and sex and engaged in one abusive relationship after another, feeling as though it were my fault. I did not know that until I learned to cope in healthy ways I would only have my addictive, self degrading habits to fall back on.My father died when I was 21 and the effect was devastating.I had now tried battering myself, alcohol, vomiting, drugs, sex, isolation and mentally leaving my own body as well as starvation and could not cope.
In complete desperation, I cried out to God in anger and fear. My pain was too overwhelming for me to bear but neither would I ever leave my children. I had noone, no family, friends or hope. I had a very sick baby which prevented me from even working and worst of all, I felt worthless.I begged for answers and love. I was forced to move from our rental home as the building was being demlished and had very little time to find a place to live. I was told of an apartment within welfare rental limitations and took it. To my surprise it was a bright clean roomy 2 bedroom suite and within my budget a feww feet from a grocery store and elementary school. This was very important as we had no transportation. The first Sunday we were there I woke to music and singing in the distance and opened my window to see where it was coming from. There, across the street was a church and the worship music was playing loud enough that it permeated my new apartment.Over the next month I mustered the courage to go across the street and ask some questions. It was then I met the "angels" God had put in my path. A young couple and their small child who lived directly in front of my apartment. These wonderful people took me under their wings and loved us without reservation. Food appeared on our door step regularly and we were always welcome in their home and at church. I gave my life to God and was baptised in that church and when my oldest son was diagnosed with terminal meningitis and given hours to live, that congregation prayed throughout the night and by God's amazing grace, my sweetheart was not only spared death but in church the following Sunday to a standing ovation!! In the years since my surrender to God there have still been many trials, old habits die hard, and I have spent years battling mental illness, electroconvulsive treatments and many other trails. I have never forgotten though, the priviledge of hearing that music that Sunday morning, seeing my son wake and ask for eggs after having been given a death sentence, the food and emotional support on my door step, Rosemarie and Fred my "angels", the list goes on because I am now grateful for every step and every breath. I remarried and went on to have a third perfect child, my daughter, who was diagnosed with spina bifida on ultrasound imaging and is healthy and beautiful. I have a husband who loves me and due to our backgrounds, our marriage has been a struggle at times but we are closer now than ever before after 23 years. I had many years of counselling and made many mistakes along the way but God is faithful. I have not been hospitalized in 8 years for mental illness and take my medication willingly. I do not abuse any drugs or alcohol and have always been faithful to my husband. I have a handful of "real" friends who diligently hold me up in prayer as I do them and I am grateful to be here. I have the Father I always wanted, a best friend, a mentor and someone who loves me unconditionally..my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I now realize that on my own I cannot do it but with God, all things are possible so learning to surrender and give it to Him is my goal and daily challenge. I still have inadequicies and struggle at times with self worth but God reminds me in His Word that not one hair will fall from my head without His notice. My ministry has become sharing my story with others and giving them a hope they may not have ever known. I pray that those who are hurting so very much would realize that not only are you not an accident but you are precious in God's sight and there IS joy, not just acceptance but real joy to be had in your life.
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