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This is My Story. I guess I started cutting in the 7th grade, when things were all going downhill for me...
I am now just about to go into grade ten. I started cutting in the seventh grade, and i started because things with my family were horrible. I was never good enough for my mom, she would always yell and scream at me, no matter what I did. I remember one time specifically...I was doing my laundry and since my mom's was right there, i decided to do it for her. Well I had forgotten to iron her clothes, as i'm not used to that since i really don't care that much and i got yelled at for wrinkling everything, as if i hadn't done anything...when i had really done her laundry for her and didn't do that one little extra step. It was very very tiresome and every night i would go to sleep crying because these types of situations with my mom would happen that often, about once a day. I remember the first time i cut though, it must have been probably around november in grade seven. My mom wouldn't stop yelling at me for everything, that day i had been home alone and i had done my chores (cleaning all three bathrooms) and i had also did the dishes for her and vaccuumed. But that wasn't good enough, because when my mom got home she just found other things to yell about. My makeup has always been an arguementative topic. I wear black eyeliner and really dark, so she would always tell me i looked like a street hooker or a whore. Well one of those bad days in november i had had enough...i had never really heard of anyone cutting...it was only grade seven...i would've been barely 12. So i had taken a pair of blunt scissors from our little drawer of nail clippers that night and started cutting...but only ever on my legs, it was easier to hide that way since i never wore shorts because i hated my knees and thighs. So i kept going with the scissors, which now after all my experience i have to say are the most brutal, until i had found that my dad had about 40 razor blades in our basement...i think they were from his dad (my grandfather's) old razor. So I had found these, and i had started to cut. I actually enjoyed it because it helped me release the pain that would always build up. One of the main things that this pain would come from was actually piano. In grade 7 i started piano, and grade eight was when i was good enough to start having recitals and such. I am with a private teacher so she only has about 5 students...all younger than me. At all my recitals i would always get really nervous...but only if my mom was there, because i was still naive in thinking that i could impress her, but so there i was, and this would be about grade nine now, and i felt that i had done a really good job, only messed up about once i think and that was quite an accomplishment for me. But so then i went to go back to my seat next to my mom and she just glarred at me. I couldn't stand it..i had to hold back my tears for the whole recital and then i ran up to my room and blarred my music, which at this point had turned into the screamo i had loved, and then found my razor and cut. That night i had probably cut 4-5 times. At this point, i was going out with this amazing guy who i had met in the summer. Eventually i told him about my little problem, and he would just get me to call him whenever i got into a fight with my mom and we would talk things through and it would make me feel a lot better. Soo eventually things got better, and i had promised him and one of my best friends that i would stop. Right now it's been about half a year since that promise, my boyfriend and i have split for about a month now, it had been almost a year. I remember the night that we broke up, i wanted to cut sooo badly but i had promised..and i believe in loyalty to friends as the highest honor, so i tried not to, and i slept over at my best friend's house instead. We had talked the whole night about it and it made me feel better. But now still, after 6 months of not even touching my razor, i still have very very strong erges to cut. I want to, i wanted to the whole time when i was reading these stories..i don't know if that makes me strange or irregular but whatever, it's me. But if everyone just finds a positive way to cope, then do your best to use that...because as hard as it is to control this addiction...you'll be better off without it in your life. Right now i still have fights with my mom, but things have been getting better...i talk with her about how i feel, it was really hard since she always interrupes me when i try to tell her to her face, and so my friend gave me a brilliant idea. Write her a letter, she can't interrupe what's been written done...it's already written. So there's a thought for anyone with troublesome family members... and remember to stay strong and true to yourself, i made a promise to a friend, but i kept it because i wanted to, i knew i was better off. So you have to do this for yourself...no one else, and always remember it'll pay off in the end :)
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