|
Shannin's amazing acting |
|
|
|
Just to tell you about myself, and when all this confusion started, and what it has done to me. Currently I'm 18, but it all started about 5 years ago.
So when i was 13 or so, found out that my dad started smoking. I hate cigarettes. I think they are the most disgusting thing on this planet. So when i found out, i was devistated. I mean i wasn't too suprised, and i mean its only smoking. When i had figured out why he was smoking it was because he found it soothing and it was time away from all the fighting and problems in the house. My older brother was in grade 11 at this point and he was smoking also and he told my parents that he was dropping out of school. My parents freaked out on him, so then they turned to me and looked over my shoulder at all the school work i was doing to make sure that i was doing everything proper so that i wouldn;t fail like him. When i went into grade nine, i was amazed at all the people i had met. I loved everyone, focused on school work, but still had a social life. I became really close to a couple of girls that were in my gym class. Two of them were cutting, and usually came to me for help. I was always so good at making people happy. I was usually happy, well until my dad's drinking got out of hand. Beer wasn't unusual for him to have every night. Although what i didn't know was how much he was drinking. One day i was going to ask my mom if i could go out with some friends, when i realized she was crying. I walked in to ask her if she was okay. She was lying on her bed face down in the pillow crying so hard she was gasping for air. I sat beside her and started to rub her back. She soon settled down enough to talk to me. She told me things i never would have guessed were going on. My older brother and my dad were now smoking weed (my second hatred on this planet) i was suprised, but wasn't totally shocked yet. My mom then told me that my dad comes home everynight from work with a 12 or 18 pack of beer and some nights he goes out for more. I knew my family was in debt, who isn't? But my mom said that if my dad didn;t drink we would be okay and getting out of debt instead of digging our way deeper. After weeks of talking with my mom about everything i really started getting more and more depressed. I didn;t kno it was happening, i just knew that i wasn't as funny as i use to be. This was when i started to take tylenols to make me go to sleep. They stopped me from crying, and helped with the constant head ache i had. One night i couldn't go to sleep no matter what i did, so i jus took another tylenol every while. before i noticed it i had taken about 15 to 20. I didn't feel much different, only that my head ache had gotten alot worse, and i jus fell asleep pretty quickly. Months later, i made the mistake of telling one of my friends about that night. She completely freaked out on me. She went to school the next day and told her guidance councilor, next thing i knew i was being called down to guidance. They called my parents told them about what they had heard. I tried denying it, but it didn;t get me very far. That night i locked my self in my room, my parents had taken all pills out of my room, so i found an old earring. I scratched at my leg with it until i saw a gash on my thigh. And that was the beginning of my habit. I did it a few times on my thighs, then i found out that the skin on my arm was thinner, i moved to there for a while until my mom saw one. She saw the one that spelled out 'HATE'. From them on i was working on my upper thighs, although sometimes on my wrist or stomach. This went on for about a year and a half. Then i started to hate my habit, but i loved my scars. I wanted to quit but keep some of my favourite scars. I slowed down on how often or how sevre the cuts were. This was when i stopped sleeping. During the day i was tierd, but after about 9pm i couldn't close my eyes. I spent endless nights staring at the speckeled ceiling making shapes. My mom noticed my sleeping habits about 6 months later and she sent me to a councilor. I talked with her about 3 times (thats all my moms heath insurrance would cover). She put me on anti-depressants. And at that time i had found an amazing guy. He was my best friend and also my boyfriend. He never knew anything about my family. I only had him over to my house once. I slept over at his dorm anytime i didn't want to go home. I found that i slept better with his arms around me. After being on the anti-depressants for about 4 months i found that i had a hard time laughing, smiling, or doing anything fun. Everything was dull. it was almost like the pills not only took away my saddness they also took my happiness. My boyfriend didn't like what i was like on them. He thought i had changed too much, but i wouldn't tell him that i was on the pills, so he broke up with me. It tore my world apart. I ran away to my best friends house for a couple days without telling anyone. When i got home i realized that nothing had changed, except now my little brother was in the same school as i was. The time when i wasn't sleeping was like a blur. Everyday was jus like the last and just like the one before that. I was also working at a truck mechanic shop. At work it was like my home life was completely gone. I had alot of fun with the people i worked with. I was one of 2 females working there, so alot of the older men were like fathers to me. Me and one of the guys i worked with became really close. He was like an older brother. we would go out for lunch and jus talk, he woudl buy me my alcohol. I started to over work myself. I worked 6 or 7 day weeks. And some days i even had 10 to 13 hour shifts. I slept quite well those nights becuase i was so tierd. I was still cutting about every 2 weeks, sometimes less, somtimes more. It depended on how often i heard my mom cry herself to sleep. I also slept well because i always had a couple drinks before goin to bed. In the morning the only reason why i got out of bed was because i knew that my alcohol was on the other side of the room, i would have a drink before goin to school and work. I remember the one day that my mom picked me up from an evening shift at about 9. I got into the car and saw that she had been crying. I asked if she was okay and what had happened. At first she couldn't really talk because she couldn't catch her breath. When she had told me that my younger brother (one of my best friends) had gotten expelled from school for trafficing weed, i didn';t kno what to say. First my brother got the idea of cutting from me, then he was dealing weed to pay for his addiction for it. I felt responsible for not keeping a better eye on him. This had tore my mom to peices. She started to cry more, and tell me less. In i way it was better for me not to kno. Because i felt better about everything. I hated the anti-depressants enough to quit them completely. I quit my job to make way for my school work for my last year or high school. I felt much better about everything. I went away for a week to my best friends trailer and then to warp tour. At warp tour i had met all her friends (she had just moved schools), and one of her friends i really had a crush on. Soon we were dating. He understood everything about my family and could even relate to a few things. I soon found out that he really loved weed. I put it behind me, ignoring what it had done to my family. I slowly became in control of my alcohol addiction, and i was only cutting about once a month. This was about 10 or 11 months ago, and it is the same as it is now, except i have a part time job at sears. My school work was okay, i got accepted to the college i wanted and i move out in about a month. My boyfriend is still by myside, despite a few major fights. My best friend and i r still very close. I only drink on weekends with friends. I only cut about once a month. Everytime i think i need to do it again, i try and distract myself for as long as possible. For example, before i wrote this i was dying to cut, but i put loud music on cried for about an hour and started to write a poem and now im writing this, and to be honest telling my story has actually made me sick, i feel like im about to vomit, and my head is pounding and the room is kinda spinning, but at least im not cutting. I'm reading a book about Self-Injury. and after reading only a few chapters i have found a way to put off cutting for one more day, because my craving has passed (sickness has replaced it). The book is called 'A Bright Red Scream' I encourage everyone and anyone to read this. It is an amazing book. It makes me feel like im not so abnormal. So i hope that by telling my story i can put off some one elses cutting for a little while even if it is just till i finish typing, every moment counts. So i thank-you for reading the past5 years of my life. it hasn't been the greatest, but it has made me a stonger person. And i jus want to say one thing. I know how everyone says that things will get beter, and you may not believe it, i know what thats like. But things will get better if u want them to, it may not be the next day, but i assure you work on things for the better and it will reward you. For me, i'm moving out in a month and that is heaven for me. I CANT WAIT! okay well i will leave you with a quote from a poem called 'Escape' by Camryn
"She pays such a terrible
price for her sin and
at last the outside
matches the in
Justice"
 |
|
|
Your Stories 
