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What to do..... When you don't know what to do. |
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Hey Guys and Girls,
This is my story. My story of how precious life really is. I hope that this will enourage you. I hope that people can read my story and understand that God is always there for us. Even when it doesn't feel that way. Please remember, that God loves you know matter what... there is nothing you can do, that will make God love you less.
Take a moment to picture something with me if you will. I want you to imagine a house with a firm foundation. I want you to think of the winds and the storms that over the years are going to beat against this house. I want you to think about the walls which have a firm footing and is able to withstand an incredible amount of force. Now if you will, I want you to think of another type of house. A house, that from the outside, looks fine. But it is not until you take a close look at it that you see that it has many faults, it’s foundation is insecure. The walls are not built square and straight. And while at sometimes this house will be ‘good enough’, other times it is not. It is in the storms and the rain that the faults are made known. The roof starts to leak, the walls start to rot. And worst of all, the foundation starts to shift. Now I don’t know much about the building of houses, but what I do know is that without a secure foundation, that house… is ‘going places’. And I don’t mean that in a good way. When the storms and the rain come, the foundation starts to deteriorate, and the house inevitably falls.
Now many of you know the story in the bible where it talks about this exact story. About how we are supposed to build a house on a secure foundation. Now, are they talking about a literal house? No. This is a metaphor of what our spiritual lives need to be. So many times people try and build there life, on an unsecure foundation. I am not just talking about Non Christians, I am talking about Christians as well. How often do we see our lives falling apart? And we wonder why. Why is it that life just seems to ‘fall apart’? There is a reason for this. Today I want to talk to you about a very personal story. This unlike the previous story is not a story that was imagined, this is a story that I lived, this is a story of what happened to me.
I would say that looking at my life from an outside view, you may think that I had it all together. I attended church regularly, I pretty much had the average childhood. Sure I had my struggles, but I never really went into a huge rebellion. I was your typical youth. I had a job, nothing fancy, I had family and friends that loved me. I had people that I could talk to whenever I was going through a hard time. But inside there was something that was tearing me apart. There were circumstances in my life that were happening around me that I felt I had no control over. My name is Jamie, I am a believer that struggles everyday with Depression and a sense of rejection and abandonment. It was about 2 years ago that I felt my ‘life’ slipping away. Things in my life were getting out of control. Inside I struggled with many sins that I kept to myself, thinking that I was the only one that struggled with these. And the more I kept them inside, the more they ate away at my core being, my foundation. I felt God so many times tugging on my heart, telling me that I needed to change certain things in my life, but I refused. It wasn’t until everything in my life was stripped away from me that I listened. But guys, I want you to know that this was a huge blessing in disguise. It isn’t until you hit rock bottom that you truly are able to see everything that you have lost. In my life, I was building the foundation of my life. I was working in a job that I wanted to be working at. I was living the way that I wanted to be. I was with the people that I wanted to be with. I had made the decision to be and do relationships the way that I wanted them to be done, and even though I knew in my heart that they were inevitably going to fail I continued to do things MY way, b/c that’s what I did.And my foundation, was set in my ways, not Gods. Saturday October 7th 2006. I was going about my day, with such a feeling of loneliness that I was just overcome with sadness.
I had made it a habit of whenever I felt sad and lonely I would take a couple of sleeping pills and just sleep the sadness away. In a sense, I was addicted to these pills, they were my way out. Many of us have our own, ‘way outs’ some people have relationships, some ppl get involved with drugs and alcohol, others get involved sexually, some people are so wrapped up in there school work. Some people are so wrapped up in there own life as they have made it, they are unable to see the damage that they are doing on the inside, and also to others. On this particular day, I took 4 sleeping pills. From what the doctors can figure out, these pills then put me into a state of mind, that I didn't know what I was doing. I was acting on sub concious feelings. Our brain has 2 states. The concious mind, and the sub concious mind. When we are thinking rationally, our concious is then able to overpower our sub consciousness. In my circumstance, the doctors say that this was in fact a suicide attempt, no there was absolutely no previous plan, no letter to the people that I was going to leave behind. You see I had allowed myself to feel so sad and so upset with things that were going on in my life, but I refused to allow God to have control and for me to get the help that I needed. But In my case, since I had taken so many sleeping pills, the effect was me not having control. I then went onto taking 60 Extra strength Tylenol. I just want you to understand the miracle that it is that I am here. Tylenol when taken in that dosage, when it gets to your liver, then turns toxic in your blood. Your liver excretes what is called enzymes and this lets us know what our liver is doing. The normal level for this particular enzyme is 50. What my body was excreting was 4500! The doctors were thinking that I was soon going to be going into a coma and this was it. I can't describe to you the pain my family went through as they watched day after day, my levels getting higher and higher. It got to the point where the doctors were telling my parents, 'let's not talk about how we can help Jamie after he get's out of here, because honestly, he probably isn't going to pull through this.' When I was told this I simply broke down in tears, I didn't understand, I felt fine physically, but inside, my liver was in a lot of trouble. I laid in that bed and cried. I was with Pastor Tom, and he was asking me what I was thinking, and all I can remember thinking was, this can't be real, I have a family, I have friends, I want to have my own family to love, I have a friend who is getting home, and most likely, will be coming home to a funeral. PT asked me what it was that I wanted to do with my life IF I got out of here, all I could think of was I wanted to serve God the way we were created for. We prayed, and we asked God to heal me. To not only heal the physical wounds that was going on, but the wounds that were on the inside. PT then went and got the nurse and she explained exactly what it was that was going on. Up until that very moment I didn't know how serious of trouble I really was in. I had to start thinking of my friends and possibly writing them my final letter to them. All this time I was begging God to please, give me another chance. God I want to live my life for you! Please! The best case scenario was that I would live, but I would have a severely damaged liver, and may have to take medication for the rest of my life. I'll tell you, when you are given news like that, life has a whole new meaning. you start thinking about the little things, that you totally don't appreciate. we are so busy in our lives to take time to just live. To hug a friend, to go for a walk, to go outside and watch the molecules of water in our breathe. look at the stars and think of how far it goes, how awesome this world is. The problem that I have, is I have depression, it is not circumstancial, it is not going away, it is a chemical inbalance in my brain. It is very simple, the serotonin in our blood can not be used. And there is a way for this to be fixed! But when it is not treated, you feel down, you feel as though you are in a hole that you will never get out of, that know matter how hard you try, it always gets worse, you feel like there are grey skies all of the time. If you ever feel this way, please, please, talk to somebody, talk to a friend, talk to your parents, talk to you your doctor, phone me! anything, there are people out there that love you and care for you and want the best for you. I am doing this right now myself, I am getting help for the issues in my past, but most of all, I am truly trying to seek God’s will in my life. It’s hard, it’s a constant struggle, but I have to constantly remind myself that he knows what is best for me. He sees the big picture. My life has been a long journey, I have had many many ups..... and many downs, I've had people come, and had people go in my life, I've had 'life' happen to me. But now I'm standing on the other side, having gotten the help that I needed, and I am able to see that this world is awesome, there is so much to live for, and through it all, God remains faithful, God never left me, He was right there holding me the whole time, right through it all. Back to my physical problems, I was in the hospital for 3 weeks, had people praying for me, and, PRAISE God, I am here in front of you today, I have NO damage to my liver, my liver is as good as it was in the beginning. I have a second chance at life, literally. I am 100 percent free for God to do with me what he will, I struggle yes, but I continue to tell myself that I have to give those struggles to God, and he will work it through, he loves me, he loves you, and wants what is best for both of us. I have hit rock bottom, and I am so happy! b/c now I am able to have God build my house on a firm foundation, that will not fail. Thank you for taking to time to read my story, I love you all. Keep on Keeping on,
Jamie
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