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"I am a friend of God!" |
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This is my story about my past and my road to recovery, made possible through JESUS CHRIST. If you struggle with self-worth, eating disorders, depression,thoughts of suicide,cutting etc.. please read it and be encouraged, and know that HE IS MORE THAN CAPABLE of healing you and RESTORING your life. YOU ARE LOVED!
How many people visiting this site feel that they are worthless and that there is no point in living anymore? How many of you are "sick and tired of fighting?" this is how I lived my life from the time I was in grade 2 until about 2 months ago. I am a 21 yr old student at York University, and have never been so happy or healthy! You see, I felt that I was the worst creation that God ever made. I had very little friends, and felt that my parents hated me. I struggled with severe depression and have been hospitalized 4 times. Not something that my family is too proud about. You see they have difficulties understanding depression, because they can not see the physical dimensions of it, like someone with a broken arm. About 2 years ago, I was told that I was a waste of a daughter, that they wish i hadn't been born, and that I was more messed up than the kids I worked with were (I worked with young offenders). From the time I was 7yrs old I started praying nightly that God would save me form this world, and allow me to die so that I wouldn’t have to live anymore. When I was in grade seven I started to really hate myself and who I was. I began to isolate myself from my family and friends, and even sat in a room by myself in the back of my classroom. I began having troubles sleeping and started to starve myself, to make myself look "better." unfortunately this was not just a little faze that I had gone through. It lasted for years. In grade 10, I decided that enough was enough, and that I was going to kill myself. I attempted, but God saved me and I failed. That evening was admitted into the hospital for the first time. When I got out about a week later, not much changed in me, and I continued on in my battle. I seriously started to starve myself, would throw out the lunches that my mom had made me, and would miss meals at home. I had always wanted to have the perfect life, I wanted to be pretty and to be smart, and to be loved and accepted, all these things I now know that I am, but it took years of self injury and self hatred for me to realize this. When I didn’t get into my college program that I had applied for, I felt that this was it and that my life was over. And once again I ended up in the hospital. I then changed my program of choice and started college that September. All seemed to be picking up for me, but things at home continued to get worse. My dad would yell at me and I would collapse and have breakdowns. I would be stuck in a corner of my house unable to speak, and unable to move, I had completely shut down. I came to the realization that I was being abused emotionally by my family and I thought that by cutting, the physical pain would take the place of my emotional pain. I would use my dad’s razor blades and make incisions on my arms, legs and stomach and then I would poor bleach and cleaning products into the wounds. I almost got kicked out of college for cutting and for not eating. A friend of mine was very concerned about me and went to talk to the director of the program. We had a meeting and I was hospitalized again. All this time I still hated myself, but everyone seemed to think that I was fine and that nothing was wrong with me. After all how would they know when I was always making a mask? I improved a little bit after leaving the hospital as I started to see a new counselor. My life was picking up, and then I was raped. Because of this horrible experience I lost my job, and began drinking and partying. I had never wanted to have sex until I was married, but after this happened I was like oh well, its already been done and I allowed males to take advantage of me. I had completely given up on myself and most importantly gave up my self-worth. I began to live a life of total partying and drinking. I was known for being the girl who loved to drink doubles and triples of rum and coke, it’s too bad that no one noticed how much I was actually drinking, and that they allowed me to drive home each night. I can not blame these people, as I would often hide how much alcohol I was consuming and would act as though I was sober. I thank God daily, that he protected me on those drives home, and most importantly that he kept safe all of those innocent people on the roads those many nights. I had dropped out of college and quit my job. I began partying with friends I had met at bars and stated to smoke weed. This lasted from September 2006 till January 2007 when I ended up in the hospital again. This happened to be the hardest 10 days of my life, but also the best 10 days of my life. I was detoxing and had to tell my family and admit to my friends and to myself the life that I had been living. A guy that I had met a few weeks prior had taken me to the hospital. I had hardly known him, yet he was so adamant to help me... I couldn’t understand why someone would want to do that for me. He ended up saving my life. You see he was there every minute of everyday while I was in the hospital. He sacrificed himself and his own time to be with me while I was detoxing and working on my issues. I was there for 10 days. He began to show me that I was worth something in this life. After I had left the hospital, I returned to my family home (which was not an easy task.) I opened a letter on my bed that evening and had found out that I was accepted into university. I called him on the phone immediately and he was so proud of me. You see I had purposely taken not taken the courses that would allow me to be accepted into university, because I believed Satan's lies that I was never smart enough or good enough to go, even though I was always an honor student. This young man and I began to date. My self-esteem and worth began to rise. I was accepted and I was loved! I stopped drinking and cutting, and began to eat. I started to smile and to make new friends. Then one night, he asked me to marry him. I prayed about it and said yes! I was engaged at 21 yrs old. I never thought than anyone would want to spend their life with me... come on, something had to be wrong with a person who had wanted to I thought. His mom instantly fell in love with me and has been one of my greatest supports I have ever had. I used to go to church, and used to try to live my life according to what Jesus had planned for me, although I had given up on him many times and had veered far off the path he had set for me. One Sunday she took me to her church. I had never been to this church before and knew not one person. This particular morning they had a guest speaker. He was someone who was given the gift of prophesy. He pulled me up to the front of the church and began to speak over me. What he said I know came straight from God, because he had no idea who I was and what I had been through. What he said brought me to tears. He had said that I had been through a difficult life, and that this year that was all going to end. he said that the glory of the lord was written all over me, that God was going to restore the joy that had once been in my life, that he saw me surrounded by books and didn’t know if I was going to school or not, he also shared that children were a naturally drawn to me and that I was going to be the one to bring my family to Christ. remember that I had struggled with depression, self-harm, had been through abuse, many hospitalizations, but also that I had just gotten accepted into university, that I wanted to be a teacher, and that I had a passion to bring my unsaved family, into knowing Jesus Christ as their personal savior. After this Sunday service, I rededicated my life to Christ and began to attend this church regularly. I went to a cleansing stream retreat, and God restored my life. He healed me completely from my depression, my years of self harm, he told me that I was loved and I was worth him sacrificing his only son to die on the cross. This weekend changed my life, and God has never been closer with me than he is now. I live for him in all that I do, just because I am now aware of his great power and his ability to heal and restore his people, and for sheer fact that he doesn’t want me to suffer but that he has a plan for me, one to give me a hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11). God was able to restore my life, to make me feel whole again, and to take away the painful memories that had been so much a part of my life before. I thank him and praise him for all that he has done! Will you let him do the same for you? I just want to quickly thank all of those who prayed for me throughout my struggles and who were there to help pick me up again, may God bless all of you abundantly. Be encourage, and know that HE IS GOD! And that HE IS CAPABLE! You are loved, and are a friend of God... I hope that my story encourages you, I will be praying for all of you, whether or not I know who you are personally does not matter, God knows!
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