You see me now. Happy and cheery all the time. Never once was like this when i was 14. Growing up in my family was hard, low income family, barly getting by. Wore alot of second hand clothes and when I went to school, i was made fun alot for what i wore, i was constantly being bullied. My self-esteem went down the drain in elementary school and looks was all i strived for, i weighed in at 60 lbs, I wanted to be skinny, just like the rest of the girls who got the attention. They had the looks and the body and maybe I thought to myself that if i had one of the two maybe i would be noticed for once. Didn't happen.. all that happened was me being in the hospital for long periods of time missing school because of an eating disorder, but it was ok because when I wasnt in school, i had no one to make fun of me and nothing to worry about. Grade 8 came, and I found myself digging deeper into things that I shouldnt have been into. Drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes and pot became an everyday thing because seeing other people doing it made them "cool" and "popular", those things made me "popular" becasue all the cool people did them. I ran away from home every night to do my drugs, me and my parents fought every day, I wouldnt come home for nights, and sometimes weeks. I hated being around people who werent doing the drugs, because they just seemed to not want anything to do with me. I needed to do as much as possible to fit on becasue high school was right around the corner. Grade 8...grad....drunk! Fast forward--- High school, cool? NOPE! not anything of what i expected from grade 9.... i experienced things in grade 9 that I thought would help me fit in, all for a popularity contest. and boy did i fall short! Pot- i started to do on my breaks and at lunch , and i would go to school a couple times drunk... not fun! I went to parties with my \" friends\" and did drugs because that was the cool thing to do right? People actually wanted to be aorund me, and thats what i was looking for. I did E and i tried cocaine once and I even took took pain killers for a high too, i duno why i did them all... just to be cool i guess and get sucked into something i didnt want in the first place. . Just having something you didnt have before, made me feel happy for once. I was happy when i was high, I was happy when I was drunk. I was happy because I finally had friends. Just someone to get drugs of off and thats it. I soon found out that my "friends" werent friends at all I was back to square one.... back with no friends and back to the old life of bullying.These "friends" I once had took me for a joy ride. They continued doing drugs, drinking and partying. They didn't want me to hang out with them anymore. They wouldn't call me, even look at me at school. I was failing classes and didnt know what to do really. Things went worse, I left home a few times, got in trouble alot at school and so on. Depression kicked in, I was at my lowest, i skiped school, didnt eat, didnt do anything. I had pain, loneliness and just felt unloved. Why couldnt someone just tell me they loved me, or gave me a hug, or just asked me how i was feeling. Instead i had no one to talk to and just bottled my everything inside of me and took it out on myself. I started cutting in the middle of grade 9, it relieved my pain and all and and it made me feel a whole lot better about everything. Everytime something went wrong, i would just roll up my sleeve and cut. Things just go worse, im not saying i had it hard, not like some people i know but things to me just felt like everything was crashing down. I tried to commit suicide numerous times but didint succeed. One night, 2001, i wrote a note to my parents that i was sorry( it was the song lyrics to Numb- Linkin Park)... that night was the night i was actually gonna end my life, i was weak and i didnt care anymore, i wanted a life, not somthing i feared of, i wanted to be loved, to be wanted, to be liked and to have friends, and i didnt see myself having any of those. Pills-- were the way out. I had a bottle of 20 pills that I was just planning in swallowing and just falling alseep and not waking up the next morning, but that night i guess someone was watching over me, A friend called, someone i hadnt spoken too in 4 years, wanted me to go to a youth group, i went because heck... why not have a little "fun" before you decide to end it all. I wasnt into the whole God thing, I wasnt even sure why i was going if they were gonna talk about God. I went and the leader was talking about FORGIVENESS.... something i wanted.... and it really hit me.... after i spoke with the leader and he actually took time to listen to me .. someone has never done that for me, to actually listen to what i needed to get off my chest. I told him about my drug problem and how i was planning to kill myself that night, and he wrapped his arms around me so tight and never let me go. That night i didnt just feel one set of arms, i felt two... it was weird and i felt different.... what they talked about that night was hitting me hard and i ask the leader what i needed to do to have that, and by the night end.. i accepted jesus as my lord and savoir..... and my life has never been the same!

for people reading this... im not writing this for to tell you that there is hope! I have spoke in churches about my story and and alot of teens have stopped cutting or whatever their case may be. I'm not preaching either. This is for someone who is reading this and finds that there is no hope in life, but im here to say there is.. life is a wonderful gift, and im so happy im here today. Talk to someone if you need to, get something off our chest if you need to, just let someone know your there for them and that you love them. Open up to someone.... Yeah everyone goes through tough times in theier lives... and no matter what you have done in your life, there is a God who loves you, a God who is reaching out to you to love you. Your an amazing person, you can get through whatever is going wrong in your life! Know that if your a person struggling with SI, know that you have so many people praying for you!

--- and my life lesson i've learned is that life is precious, and that taking the easy way out of it just sucks, and to be yourself, eveyone sees your true beauty when you are YOU! never change for a friend or a boy/girl or for anyone!

Just know that YOUR LOVED!

Girls-- dont ever change you or your body for anyone or boy, if people dont see you for being you, then they arnt worth your time to be around. You dont have to impress people, just love yourself.

True beauty form the inside shines so much brighter!

Where am i now?

Ill be 20 at the end of the year, I'm in my last year of college finishing up being a Drug and Alcohol Counsellor. I have so much to thank God for! He has blessed me with so many friends who love me for who I am and who care about me so much. My calling is to work with youth, and really... i think its amazing. I would change anything for my life right now. Things do get rough, and yeah you might find yourself in a valley, but there is always... ALWAYS hope!

Thanks for taking the time to read my story, and I hope anyone who has read it has taken somthing away from it!
"Don't let anyone think less of you because you are young. Be an example to all believers in what you teach, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity" - 1 Timothy 4:12

Laurie

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