I grew up in a Christian home. I knew from childhood that God loved me and that I was His child. I asked Jesus into my heart at age 5 while sitting at the green table at my churches 4's and 5's room. When I was 7, my dad left. It was hard, but I was very little, and I have three older siblings and a mom that took good care of me. I didn't realize how much his leaving affected me until 9 years later. It didn't start right away with cutting. It began with strange thoughts, I remember being about 8 and standing at the top of my stairs thinking that maybe if I fell down them, my dad would come home. The first time I cut was by accident, but the sensation I felt afterwards, the calming affect that it had was something that I had never felt before. I began cutting and occasionally burning myself shortly afterwards. It was a way to deal with the pain. I was young, my family was going through a lot and I didn't want to burden them with my problems. So through cutting I was able to control my emotions. I thought that I had complete power over the situation. I was wrong. Satan had complete power over the situation. When I was 16 I went away for the summer to work at a camp. It was while I was there that I was talking to two of the other girls who worked at the camp and they were telling me their testimonies. Then they started to describe something that made all too much sense to me. They told me about how they used to cut. They were talking about how God had helped them deal with this and that they were able to over come it with His help. I smiled and nodded, and told them I would pray for them for continued strength.. but in my head I was screaming! This was so familiar, this was me, but I had never thought there was something wrong with it. And even then, I had it under control. Didn't I? I returned home that summer very confused. I didn't understand what was going on, so i decided to ignore it. The next three years were hard. God was trying to get a hold of me, to change me, to help me. But I didn't need help, I was fine, I had everything under control. It seemed as though everywhere I went someone was saying something about cutting. One year at Kingdom Bound I went to what I thought was Brett Ullman doing his "Rock Talk" and it turned out to be his talk on "The Wounding Embrace". My friend had gotten lost and showed up just as the session was ending. I sat through that session and was shocked at how everything Brett was saying described me. I reached a point when I couldn't do it any longer. I knew I had no control, I didn't want to cut, but I needed to. I had to. I had urges that were so strong they controlled my every thought. I started seeing an ex-boyfriend of mine. Things ended between us again, and I took it very hard. Another person who knew everything about me and had said he loved me had walked away from me. I lost a lot of weight, I was 19, 5 foot 6 and weighed 82 pounds. I began having strong urges to cut, stronger than before. It was at this point that I felt my lowest. Because he had walked away from me I felt that all the things he had told me were no longer true, that I was no longer beautiful, smart, funny, caring. All of those things were gone. I had lost myself in his opinion of me. My mom and sisters began to get worried. They made occasional comments about my weight and my mood. I didn’t sleep, I didn’t eat, I didn’t do anything. I just laid around waiting for God to put me out of my misery. Suicide became my only option. I knew that I loved God and that He loved me so much and that life with Him is so much better than life without Him. So I wanted to be with Him. I got to a point where I was afraid to be alone with myself because I didn’t know what I would do. My thoughts became so dark that I began to scare myself. Then one morning I was sitting in my family room in the chair I had been sitting in for the past three days and my mom told me she loved me and I could tell her anything. Before I knew it I was telling her everything. She was incredible. I knew she was scared, and confused and very shocked, but she didn’t show that to me. She only showed love. The next day I went to see our pastor, and he set me up with a counsellor.
Counselling was difficult. Admitting that I had a problem was the hardest. Admitting that I had a problem meant that I didn't have control of the situation, that I wasn't independent, and that I needed help from others. I had spent my whole life trying to help everyone else and trying to avoid being a burden on others, and then this happened. Through counselling I also realized I had problems with trusting others, and the idea of unconditional love. Through my counselling God showed me that I was worthy. That I had value and that He had a plan for me. The reason that I was still here was because He has a plan for my life.
Stopping cutting was hard, but through prayer, and many many people keeping me accountable I can say that it has been 4 and a half months since the last time I cut. The past few years I have read this website on a regular basis and thought of the day that I would write my story on here. But that I needed to wait until I was a success story before I could. I have realized now that cutting is something that will always be a struggle, a weakness for me, but I know that there is another way. I know that God can give me a peace that cutting never could.
I am now a Jr High leader at a church and taking Nursing in school hoping that someday I will be able to help others with similar problems and to let them know that they are not alone, that there is someone there who understands and has made it through and that most of all, there is a God who loves them, and wants what is best for them, and that He is waiting with open arms to help them heal.

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