home  Your Stories Rags to Riches - My Journey to Realizing that I am God's Princess
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Rags to Riches - My Journey to Realizing that I am God's Princess |
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This is the story of a child raised in a home with abuse of every type who chose to turn to cutting, burning, anorexia, bulimia, drug use, alcohol and sex in order to begin to handle the pain. She disrespected her body because she didn't think it mattered - until one day, God showed her that He wanted so much more for her - and He led her to take on the role of Princess that He had always planned for her. She's now a teacher, youth leader and studying to be a counselor to help youth in similar places.
I grew up in a home where being hit daily was the norm. My parents told me, probably from the day I was born, that I was not wanted. I was a mistake. I was the reason that they could not do what they wanted to. My uncle was sexually abusive - even used my brother to abuse me for a while. As my brother grew older, he took over that role himself - and abused me in ways my uncle had never thought of. Life wasn't easy - and I didn't know how to begin to deal with the pain I felt. In 5th grade, I was working on a school project and accidently cut myself. I realized that I liked what happened after - I had to pay attention to myself - and work on fixing my wound. I also realized that I felt relief as I saw the blood leaving my body - like the things I had done wrong were being punished. And slowly, I took over the role of God in that way. I began to cut myself when I had not made an A in school. I cut myself when I got in trouble with my parents - no one could hurt me better than I could. Soon, I began to go so far as to not eat if I felt I had been bad. If I ate anything, I'd have to force myself to throw it up and get rid of it - another punishment. Within months, before I was even 13 years old - I was punishing myself daily - using cutting, burning, starvation, throwing up and overdosing on prescription drugs. Soon after, I started drinking and doing drugs of every sort. They were all an escape to get away from this world I lived in - this place where no one loved me and everyone wished that I would be gone. From this desire for escape and a lack of self-esteem, I began to give my body to anyone that came along and wanted it. I would let someone take advantage of me without a fight - I was worthless, why did it matter?
Fast forward to me at age 20...I'm still living in this world - drunk or high most of the time, down to about 60 pounds, carrying Herpes and body filled with scars in so many places it's hard to name one without scars. I was at my darkest hour, when all I wanted to do was kill myself. I had a plan, had said good-bye to the people I needed to and just had to carry through. As I began to put my plan into action - I heard an audible voice - and not a wimpy voice - but a booming, full voice - telling me, "My child, my beloved child, do not harm yourself. I love you - I do not want to see you do this." Well, of course I stopped in my tracks. I thought I was crazy. At that time, a friend called me - and told me that God had put me on her heart. She was outside my door and would like to come in and talk. I told her to go away - but she convinced me that she wouldn't go away and that she needed to come in. Finally, I gave in - planning to follow through later. She walked in, sat on my bed and asked me if she could tell me something. I said yes, figuring she needed to talk about something in her life. She pulled out her Bible and showed me Zephaniah 3:17. She told me that I was God's beloved - that He adored me and that while she didn't know most of what was going on - she knew that God had put me on her heart for a reason and that He wanted me to give over from all that was holding me down. She told me I didn't have to talk to her - but she was more than willing to listen and pray with me about whatever was going on. She had known for a while that all was not well - and she had been praying. I laughed and said, "Lot of good your praying has done for me." Then I pulled up my sleeves and showed her my arms which are full of deep scars and gashes, "Can your praying make these go away?" She said, "No, but the God I pray to can make the pain that causes you to do that go away." I was absolutely floored. She was the first person I had ever shown my scars to that wasn't a doctor and she didn't flinch or tell me I was stupid or run away. She stayed there, with open mind and listened to me, as all of the sudden, my entire story poured out of me like water. She didn't judge me or tell me it would all be better tomorrow. But she stayed with me and cried with me. In the end, I told her of my plan - but I told her I didn't want to kill myself anymore. Because of her, I found that someone did care.
As we continued to talk, she shifted the discussion to God - and His great love for me. This was not something I grasped easily. As she shared with me of God's love - I slowly did understand and was able to accept that I would like to love this God. However, I never accepted for myself at that time that God loved me. But I did believe in Him, and I began to study the Bible. I made an effort to have a relationship with Him - and to slowly open my heart to God's will. I struggled with giving up all of my old ways. Even though I read that I was a new creation because of Christ - I felt like a new creation trapped with old things. Slowly, with Christian counseling and with asking for help from friends, I gave up my eating disorders - I began to eat regularly and not struggle with the thoughts that I deserved to starve myself. I also stopped sleeping around - I learned that my body is worth taking care of and that God did not desire for me to give myself away to others the way I was. Alcohol and drugs were next. That was a slow process - and because I was addicted more than I realized, I almost died from the detox process - but God proved faithful and I lived. The one thing I kept that I was not ready to give up yet was cutting. Don't get me wrong - I struggled with the fact that I had given up the other things - some days, more than anything, I wanted a drink or I wanted to starve myself - but I had layed down those things to God - and when the urges came, I asked for His help.
I wasn't ready to do that with cutting yet. Cutting defined who I was (in my mind). Cutting made me feel when I needed to and not feel when feelings were too overwhelming. It was the only pain I could control and I couldn't give that up.
Over time, though, I began to realize that God loved me - more than anyone else I had ever experienced love from. I was able to accept slowly that God's love was all I needed. He was waiting for me with open arms. One thing that really helped me in this was reading Sheri Rose Shepherds book, "His Princess: Love Letters from the King of Kings". I began to see myself through God's eyes - not as a used up person with an abusive past - but a beautiful princess - loved by the King. Seeing myself as this princess began to help me realize that I didn't need to hurt myself - because I had great worth. I also began to realize that punishing myself through cutting was not needed. Why? Because God had already bought the punishments for my sins. God doesn't want me to punish myself - He wouldn't have taken on the sins of the world and died on the cross if my own personal punishments were enough. These little revelations slowly made me not want to cut myself anymore. It took investing in reading the Bible daily, praying, laying it all out before God - and slowly, I stopped wanting to cut - and eventually was able to get rid of my blades. That was hard, because I always had blades with me, that way I could have control of when I would cut. But I learned - the only one who needs control is God - He needs to hold the reigns - not me.
Through all of it - I've learned that God redeems us. I don't have to hold on to all the pain and hurt from my past. Instead, I can choose to give it to God - let Him take hold of it and let him take it away. While I will always have the scars of my cutting and of the past hurt - the wounds are gone - all because of God's grace.
Through the grace of God, I have left my old life, embraced the new life He died to give me - and am now following His path, walking in the Light He provides. I have talked to my brother and parents about the abuse they did, forgiven all of my abusers, forgiven myself and know for sure that the blood of Christ covers all of my sin. I am now teaching special education and working on my masters degree in counseling - planning to become a Christian Counselor. I want to work with children and youth who are dealing with similar things, and show them the truth of God. God has redeemed me - He has made all things new! Blessed be!
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